Finding something to write about when your mind is in a constant state of distraction can be challenging. There are millions of topics I would like to address and share my opinion on, even if it’s just to find some clarity and comfort in my own personal understanding of life issues. I’m realizing more and more that this, like all the other things that I’ve used as excuses to keep me from accomplishing things that I want to, is just an excuse. Or maybe it’s something a little more serious than that.
Most of my life, I’ve had trouble sleeping. Primarily my lack of sleep comes from wanting to do too much (at one point, I owned over 50 domain names of business ideas I thought I might want to pursue). If you know me, you’ve probably received one of those late night texts with some new idea or concept that I just had to share.
It also has a lot to do with technology. For years I’ve used my phone to write, whether on an old Palm Treo, a BlackBerry, or my current iPhone. Staring into the bright light of the device as I lay trying to sleep, is probably one of the most counterproductive things I’ve made a habit of in my life. This has been added to the list of things I am going to be more self-aware of and change about my current life choices.
Beyond the excuse of wanting to be doing all of these different things, which all distract me from accomplishing my goals, I think my sleeplessness is a deeper issue.
Since moving to Detroit, on many occasions, I’ve found myself coming home from work around 7:30-8pm, laying on the couch and falling asleep for hours. Sometimes I sleep through the night and wake up around 5 or 6am. Other times I wake up at 2am, with my sleep pattern completely out of whack. Take last night for example, I got home about 7:45, which is a little less than a 12 hour day, considering I got to work 7:30 and 8am, and I fell asleep. Out cold until about 2:30am. Granted, 12 hours at the office is a long day, but I take at least an hour lunch break as an attempt to keep some sense of sanity. I’ve always worked like this. It’s just how I do it. Work hard. Play hard.
I never have problems staying awake at work but by the time the day is over and I get home, I struggle to keep my eyes open. It’s a new thing for me. Yet, I am beginning to think it’s the same reason I am such an insomniac.
It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship (which I often times use a measure of my own self worth and an excuse to write). I’ve had all sorts of excuses. The typical “I work too much” or “I have more important things” are my go-tos. But the true reason for my sleep problems and the reason for not being in a relationship is that I haven’t been happy with myself. If it needs to be labeled as depression, or some other term, I’m not sure. But I do know that I haven’t been taking care of myself mentally or physically the way I should.
So as I embark down this (same old) path that I am looking at from a new perspective, there will be a lot of self-reflection here on this blog because, it’s the best place for me to give my energy to the universe and ask for support back. And there will be a lot of effort put into finally having a relationship with the person that should matter the most to me, myself.